Lose Your Way
by wolvesjr34
Summary: A challenge I set myself based on the first two paragraphs that I wrote months ago. I'd call this one bittersweet. I do not own Rizzoli and Isles, they belong to Tess Gerritson and TNT.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: It's been a while. My Muse is not playing nice. So my apologies for those waiting for updates on other stories. Maybe this will kick start me. Anyways the first two paragraphs of this story I wrote a while ago and gave them to a friend as a challenge to create something around them. I decided I would challenge myself too, and this is what I wrote.**

* * *

Hazel eyes locked onto intense dark brown orbs as her body shook, stilled and then shuddered through a powerful orgasm brought on by reverent ministrations. The sensation of Jane falling down beside her, arm draped lovingly over her torso, all the while placing soft kisses along her neck and clavicle brought Maura undone emotionally. She didn't deserve such tenderness; such reverence.

She curled up into a foetal position as the first of the violent sobs wracked her body. She felt strong arms wrap protectively around her and the warm breath of her lover on her neck, but still the sobs came. She had reached a tipping point and no matter how she tried she couldn't pull back from the emotions that overflowed from her heart and soul via tear ducts and shallow, sharp breathing.

"I've got you," Jane murmured softly into honey blonde hair. Her lips pressed gently against the warm skin at the back of Maura's neck. "I've got you," she repeated, intent to soothe the desperate emotions pouring from her guilt laden lover. "It's gonna be okay, Maur."

For several minutes after the only sounds that penetrated the silence of the room were sobs and gasps for air as the emotion choked Maura up. It was a difficult situation for the detective because she didn't know how to make this better. It wasn't exactly the most cut and dry of situations and already the guilt was ripping her best friend to shreds.

Another soft kiss, this time below a delicate ear. "Talk to me Maur. Please?" She wasn't entirely desperate just yet, but there was a sense of dread building in the pit of her stomach.

Quieting the sobs, Maura turned into the body holding her so that she could search the dark eyes looking back at her with such worry. A sad smile graced her lips as she reached a hand up to rest against the defined cheekbone of her love. There was so much she wanted to say. So much she needed to say, but where was she to begin? She sighed and closed her eyes when she felt the soft sensation of lips on her forehead.

"Jane," her voice barely a whisper; her tone saying it all. _This was a mistake._

Jane shook her head slightly, she knew where Maura was headed with this and she didn't like it. Sure there was a hell of a lot to sort out, but she refused to believe it couldn't be done. "Nuh uh, no. Don't."

She could see the unshed tears in dark chocolate just waiting for one more horrid sensation to fall. She hated being the one to cause such pain to her love, but they had crossed lines they shouldn't have. If her own eyes hadn't already been red raw from her previous crying, she imagined that she would have more tears to shed herself.

This was the most painful of situations. "Oh my Darling," her thumb slid down a defined cheekbone and ghosted over swollen lips, "Please understand."

Jane closed her eyes at the feel of the delicate exploration on her face. She tried so hard to catalogue the moment and revel in sweetness of the touch; because she was deathly afraid she would never have it again. After a few moments she opened her eyes and swallowed thickly, pushing down emotion she didn't want to escape. It cut like a knife. "Sure, okay, if that's what you need."

The breeze created by the swift movement as Jane rolled away sent chills down Maura's spine. The only thing she was sure of was that this wasn't what she needed and it most certainly wasn't okay and nor did she believe it would ever be okay again, but she couldn't be selfish. She couldn't be the one to cause her love to wake up one day hating herself for a rash decision. If it meant she lost Jane then so be it. Their time was in the past, the future was not theirs to steal from.

"Please," she had uttered the word before she even knew what else to say.

Jane looked up from where she had been hurriedly pulling her jeans back on. She finished doing them up and started pulling her boots on, ignoring the plea of the woman that she had only a half hour ago shown the depths of her love. It was clearly a mistake, because now not only had she jeopardised her family life, she had lost her best friend. There was no turning back from this rejection. It cut too deep.

Maura reached down and grabbed the first thing she could find to slip on before climbing off the bed and stepping tentatively over to Jane. "Please don't…"

"Don't what Maura?" Jane snapped, looking up angrily once she had both boots on. She melted a little at the sight of Maura in her Red Sox jersey, but kept those feelings locked inside where they couldn't escape. She raised an eyebrow impatiently, "Well?"

It was all falling apart around her and oh how she wished she could erase the last three hours. Her heart ached at the devastation hidden in the eyes that glared at her waiting on an answer. She stepped closer to Jane and placed a hand on her forearm, "Please don't leave like this."

"And how exactly do you think I'm leaving?" She snapped sarcastically, completely irritated by the fact that Maura was the one that had pretty much pushed her away and now expected things to be hunky dory.

Fresh tears sprung forth as the doctor uttered, "Like this is goodbye, forever."

"Well maybe it is," Jane retorted all too quickly. She cursed herself internally for the hurt that plastered itself all over the soft features of her doctor. She sighed, Maura wasn't her anything anymore. She never really had been.

"Fuck," she cursed loudly and pulled Maura into her arms. She felt the intensity with which the arms wrapped around her waist and she sighed into the kiss she planted on her love's forehead. "It won't be forever, I promise."

Maura sighed as she pressed her head into the crook of Jane's neck. She was torn by the intense swirl of emotions battering her senses. Nobody had ever understood her the way Jane had. Nobody had ever loved her the way Jane had and yet it had never really been the right time. She had never been brave enough when it would have made a difference, and now she had dragged Jane down with her. "I love you Jane," she whispered softly. "Maybe it should be forever."

The reality was she knew Maura was right. She knew that Maura wasn't trying to hurt her, no matter how much it felt like that. No matter how much she wanted to find a way to make this work. Maura knew what her heart kept ignoring; she would never be able to walk away from her wife and son.

She wanted to tell Maura she loved her too. She wanted to pull her back down onto the bed and have her way with her over and over until they were too exhausted to go any further, but she had a real life with responsibilities to get back to. It had been a mistake to fall into the arms of her best friend and they both knew it, but she would never say that. She would never belittle Maura like that, or the love that they shared.

She swallowed thickly as she stepped out to arms length and searched hazel eyes that glistened with tears. The worst part was she knew how this was going to play out. Maura was going to fall on her sword and say goodbye to everything she loved. Goodbye to her role as Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, goodbye to the Rizzoli's and goodbye to Boston, all because she could.

Jane hated herself so violently in that moment. She had effectively taken everything from this woman who had done nothing but take care of her. She charged the door and punched it viciously before sliding down against it and burying her head in her hands. "I'm so, so sorry Maura."

Maura sighed and slid down next to Jane. Their hands locked together between their bodies. "Don't let this drag you down, Jane. Your family needs you."

Somewhere deep down a laugh escaped at the irony of Maura's words. When the laughter died out almost as quickly as it came she turned her head to the side so she could look at her friend. "You're my family too, Maur."

It was true, and while she longed for Jane Rizzoli she was more than capable of standing on her own two feet. It would suck, if she was to use Jane's vocabulary as a descriptive choice, but it wasn't something she hadn't done before. "But I don't need you," she said matter-of-factly in an attempt to ease the burden resting on her love's soul.

"If I didn't know better I'd be offended right now Maur," Jane said softly in response.

Maura squeezed the hand in hers and offered a sad smile, "I'll be fine."

"Where will you go?" She doubted she would get an honest answer, because they both knew if she knew where Maura was going to be, she might just try and track her down.

"Somewhere warm."

The soft smile that creased Maura's face was too much for Jane. She twisted her body so she could lean in closer and catch soft lips with a tender kiss. Gone was the urgency of an insatiable hunger that had pulled them into this position. In it's place the tenderness of a love that would never cease.

She pulled back and brought her forehead to rest against her doctor's, "Sounds nice."

 _Goodbye. I love you. I'll never forget you._

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 **A/N: Sooo bittersweet... if you want a second chapter where they come to their senses give me some love in the review section... I reckon I can manage it ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

It was just after eight in the evening when Jane left Maura's. She knew she had to go home and pick up where she left off with her family, but her heart was heavy. The cold, brutal reality she now faced only served to send her into a spiral. It took all she had not to find the nearest bar and drown herself in a bottle before stumbling home and making a really stupid drunken confession to her wife. Instead she hit the gym at headquarters for a heavy session on the bags before washing off the sweat, grime and tell tale smell of sex. That was definitely not something she needed to take home with her.

It was a quarter to ten when she finally slumped into the driver's seat of her unmarked vehicle. She rummaged through her gym bag, which sat beside her on the passenger seat, to find her phone. An involuntary groan escaped her lips when she saw several missed calls, one from her wife and two from her mother. The two from her mother had been close together a mere fifteen minutes ago.

She tossed the phone on top of the bag and pulled her seatbelt on before turning the key in the ignition and shifting the car into gear. Normally she might be slightly concerned by her mother's lack of restraint, but given what had transpired a couple of hours prior she figured Maura had moved swiftly to disappear and being the conscientious, caring woman she was, she would have no doubt mentioned something to Angela.

A heavy sigh escaped Jane as her brain mulled over the barrage of questions she saw coming from her mother. She was just thankful that could wait until tomorrow, which by then she hoped she would have regained her equilibrium. Her hand slammed angrily into the steering wheel at that thought. There was no regaining her equilibrium any time soon. Maura was her North Star; a bright shining beacon in the night to direct her home.

"Dammit," she growled, slamming her palm into the steering wheel again. She had really gone and messed up this time. How the hell was she going to explain to her mother why Maura had decided to drop everything in her life and just leave? Angela's damned instincts would pick up on the fact there was more to the story; never mind what Dana would have to say. She wasn't thinking about Maura leaving anymore, instead she was trying to find a way not to wind up losing her family.

She was so lost in her thoughts she nearly ran into the back of her mother's car when she went to pull into the driveway. "Oh for the love of God," she muttered under her breath while backing up and navigating to a position on the street. She really wasn't ready for the interrogation she suspected was to come.

There was a case to be made for leaving and not entering her modest home in the suburbs, but the front door opening at the sound of her vehicle pushed that idea away. With a heavy sigh Jane dragged herself out of the car and fought back the instant irritation her mother's presence caused. "Hey Ma," she greeted as normally as she could manage.

"Don't you ever answer your phone?" Angela asked as soon as her daughter joined her on the front porch. "Maura's leaving!"

"She's what?" She hoped her feigned surprised would be enough to keep her mother at bay.

The Rizzoli family matriarch ushered her daughter inside, closing the door behind them. She stood a couple of inches shorter than her daughter, and while she had aged gracefully it was apparent she had spent many a night worried about her children. Worry lines creased her face, especially now that she had heard her surrogate child was leaving. "She's leaving Janie, as in just up and disappearing. She told me not to worry, but she's family and you know she's a terrible liar."

Jane's eyes narrowed and she fingered her keys, "I should go and see what's going on then."

"It's too late for that," Dana said from the doorway to the living room, where she had been entertaining her distraught mother-in-law. "At least according to what your mother has explained."

Jane exhaled slowly, the air deflating her lungs and her demeanour in one swift movement. Her eyes looked from the worried face of her mother to the concerned features of her wife. "You must be mistaken Ma," she reached for her phone and remembered she'd left it in the car. "Crap, phone's in the car. I'm gonna call Maur and sort this whole mess out."

Angela watched her daughter open the door they had just entered and dash down the drive towards the street. Turning to Dana she said, "Are you buying any of that?"

Dana shook her head sadly. There was definitely more going on than she or Angela knew. Jane had been lying through her teeth, but she knew there was a time and place for dealing with that. "Not a word. Perhaps they fought?"

"Whatever it is, I'm going to find out!" Angela said determinedly as she followed in her daughter's footsteps.

Dana followed as far as the door before closing it behind the Rizzolis. Whatever it was, it was best she had no part in it until Jane was ready to broach the truth. She was no fool, she knew her wife had feelings for her best friend and sometimes it ate at her insides, but Jane had always been loyal to her and their son and she believed that would remain her priority.

"Mommy, was that Ma?" A very tired five year old asked, rubbing his eyes as he trundled down the stairs.

Dana reached out and pulled their son Jason into her body, hugging him tightly. She ruffled his dark hair before turning him back towards the stairs, "She's outside talking to Nona, she'll be up soon to kiss you goodnight."

"Okay Mommy, love you." Jason said before retreating back upstairs to his bedroom.

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On the street Jane was doing her best to ignore her mother. Unfortunately for her Angela was more than capable of sticking to her guns when she smelled trouble and as far as she was concerned Maura deciding to up and leave meant big trouble.

It really didn't help Jane's mood when her mother rightly assumed her level of responsibility. "What did you do?"

Thankfully for Jane she had her back turned when she heard her mother utter those words, so she was at least saved from getting a lecture for the eye roll she couldn't help but give. So she may well have been responsible on some level for what was happening, but why did her mother always have to go and assume it was her fault? "Gee thanks Ma, glad to know how highly you think of me."

The sarcasm didn't wash over well with Angela, who stood hands on hips mere inches from her daughter who had slipped into the car to reach over to the passenger seat for her phone. "Because," she said knowingly, "When shit hits the fan between you two it normally _is_ your fault!"

Jane couldn't argue with the logic as the only two times her relationship with Maura had been strained were indeed when she had shot Paddy and when she had announced her engagement, which in hindsight that whole deal was making a lot more sense. She could however argue with her mother. "Just stay outta it Ma."

"I will not!" The foot stamp was a little over theatrical, but Angela was absolutely distraught at the thought of Maura going out into the world without Jane to keep her safe. She was like a second daughter and her mothering instincts screamed that this was going to end badly.

Jane pocketed her phone before climbing back out of the car and nudging her mother out of the way so she could close the driver side door and lock the vehicle. She then started back down the drive calling over her shoulder, "Just go home, I'll handle it. Okay?"

Angela quickly followed after her daughter. "And how exactly are you going to do that Jane? She's gone!"

The whole situation was suffocating for Jane who felt like her lungs were being squeezed of air. If it wasn't bad enough that she had lost her best friend and cheated on her wife in the process, she now had to deal with her mother. It was too much. She spun angrily around and jabbed a finger in the direction of Angela. "Just stop it Ma. Go. Home. I can't deal with you _and_ Maura at the same time!"

Angela's features crumpled slightly in shock, "Jane…"

"I said I'll handle it," Jane growled before stalking up the walkway to the front door. She didn't wait for her mother to make a decision; she simply let herself in the house and slammed the door behind her, forgetting the fact that Jason should have been sound asleep and she would have woken him.

The look on Dana's face as she entered the living room proved to be the reminder and she cringed and shot an apologetic look at her wife. "Sorry, I'll go make sure he goes back to sleep."

Dana was quickly by her wife's side, pulling the irate Italian in for a soothing hug. She pressed a chaste kiss to Jane's cheek and said, "Are you okay? You're shaking."

Jane's arms instinctively wrapped around the lithe body of her wife as she shook her head softly against the shoulder her chin rested on. She took a couple of breaths trying to calm down, "It's just my Ma ya know? She drops that on me about Maur and then hounds me about it."

"Have you tried calling Maura yet?" Dana enquired softly, stepping back from the hug and giving her wife the once over. She realised that Jane was not wearing the clothes she had left in that afternoon but decided not to comment, as there would be a logical explanation.

Jane shook her head sadly. "Nah, I mean if she has already left, what can I do about it?" She supposed she should act a little angry about the whole situation. Perhaps a little more upset that Maura had decided to leave without telling her, as far as her story went, but she just couldn't. She was exhausted and emotionally drained. She sighed and turned away, "I'm gonna go check on Jason now."

If Dana said something as she walked out of the room and headed up the stairs she didn't hear it. Her mind was a jumble of warring thoughts with regards to what was going to happen next in her life. Good old Catholic guilt was also doing her head in with regards to all the lies she was going to have to tell. The truth wasn't really an option, was it? That would only end badly and jeopardise her access to her son and she couldn't possibly risk that, could she? She had lost Maura; she couldn't stand it if she lost Jason too, but then she wasn't sure she could keep lying to her wife either.

"Fuck," she cursed under her breath as she pushed the door open to her son's room.

"That's a bad word Mama!" Jason exclaimed, sitting up in bed and looking wide eyed, very surprised to have heard the curse word.

"Mama said a bad word, but that doesn't mean you do alright?" She said as she sat down on the bed beside him and reached over to push some of his dark fringe from his eyes. "Besides, shouldn't you be asleep young man?"

He offered a cheeky grin and shrugged, "I missed you Mama and then I heard you downstairs with Nona!"

He was just so adorable it was hard to stay in a bad mood around him. She ruffled his hair, making a complete mess of it before pulling him into a fierce hug. She kissed his forehead and said, "I love you Jason, don't you forget it 'k?"

He wrapped his arms around his mother and smiled big before giving her a big wet kiss. "Love you too Mama."

Jane smiled and gently eased her son back into bed before pulling the covers back over him and giving him one more kiss to the forehead. She walked over to the door before turning back and asking, "Night light on or off?"

Jason yawned and closed his eyes, mumbling, "On please."

"Night son." She closed the door behind her and stood still for a minute, just to appreciate the moment. She loved Jason so much and would do anything for him; even if that meant giving up the love of her life. She sighed and headed back down the stairs to find Dana, one way or another, they had to talk.

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 **A/N: What's that saying? Becareful what you wish for? So yes we are on the path to Rizzles, but anyone who knows me by now should realise that I have trouble writing short stories, and a bunch of awesome ideas to go with this kinda hit me... so I'm afraid to say multi chapter story coming. I know I still have others to work on, but when the muse is cooperating I run with her wherever she may take me.**

Thank you so much for the reviews and reads, I would recommend following after this chapter, because I will be changing the rating to M as I do for most of my long stories as there will be heavier grittier content at some point. Or at least remember to change your filter to allow you to see M rated stories.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of rape. As such the introduction of extremely adult themes increases the rating to M. Just a short chapter tonight, but it's the beginning of some important background.  
**

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 _"_ _Jane, we need to talk." Dana said quietly, joining her girlfriend on the couch._

 _Jane sighed and switched the game off. Here it was; the talk, the breakup. They had been dating for six months and things had been progressing well for the first four months, but in recent times the intimacy had slowed to a trickle and Dana had been withdrawn. It looked like her job was about to kill another relationship, but unlike previous times this time hurt. She really cared for Dana and dreaded the inevitable._

 _"_ _Okay," she responded numbly and fixed her focus on the wall in front of her. She couldn't look into soulful blue eyes as their owner took away the one meaningful thing in her life beside her friendship with Maura, which if she was honest hadn't been the same since she had been forced to shoot Paddy._

 _Dana recognised the tell tale signs of Jane shutting down her emotions and immediately took hold of the Italian's hand. "Look at me Jane, please."_

 _Jane tried to do as she was asked but one brief glimpse of the pain in those eyes only served to reinforce her thoughts on what was coming. She shook her head and returned her gaze to the wall in front of her. "I can't."_

 _"_ _It's not what you think," Dana said softly, well and truly aware of Jane's insecurities about her ability to maintain a healthy relationship. "I'm not breaking up with you."_

 _This got the detective's attention as she jerked her head around and searched the sad eyes staring back at her. Her heartache morphed into confusion, "Then why are you looking at me with sad eyes?"_

 _Dana swallowed thickly, the easy part was over. She didn't want to break up with the detective at all but she feared that when Jane knew the truth she might not want to be with her anymore. She wouldn't blame her if that was the case either, after what had happened. She had hoped she would never have to tell Jane, but life had thrown her a curveball that needed to be explained and the only way that could be explained was with the whole truth._

 _She opened her mouth to say the words that were bouncing around tauntingly in her brain but quickly closed it again. This was so much harder than she thought it would be. Memories flashed through her mind and she had to look down at where her hand delicately held the scarred hand of the detective. She swallowed nervously and looked up at Jane who was clearly concerned. "Just promise me you'll stay calm, please?"_

 _"_ _Dana…" Jane paused a moment to search her girlfriend's face for further clues as to what was going on and she was left drawing a blank. "What's goin' on? You're scaring me here."_

 _"_ _I'm pregnant!" Dana blurted out nervously before the sudden absence of Jane's hand reminded her that she had gone about the order of events the wrong way. She doubted she would ever forget the look of betrayal staring back at her from dark eyes though. "It's not…. I mean, I didn't…"_

 _"_ _Who?" Jane asked coldly._

 _Dana shook her head sadly, "No Jane, I didn't… God, why is this so hard?"_

 _"_ _Spit it out Dana 'cause right now I'm sittin' here thinkin' you cheated on me." Jane gritted out through her teeth._

 _"_ _I was raped, alright?" Dana snapped, unable to stomach the thought that Jane really believed she could do that. "I didn't cheat on you!"_

 _It only took one look into the scared blue eyes of her girlfriend for Jane to know that this was the truth. Processing the news was a little more difficult than that though. So many questions bombarded her mind and recent behaviours suddenly made complete sense, still there was one very pertinent question on her mind. "Why didn't you tell me?"_

 _"_ _I couldn't… I didn't… I don't want to talk about it Jane." Dana said quietly. She felt ashamed. She blamed herself for not being careful, but most of all she worried Jane would blame herself for not being with her or want to hunt the bastard down._

 _Jane twisted her body so that she was looking directly at her girlfriend. "You reported it right? Garcia and Norwood are following this up, right?"_

 _Dana dropped her eyes before looking away. She could feel Jane's eyes on her, boring right into her soul and she felt extremely vulnerable. She hadn't reported it and she knew Jane was going to absolutely lose it. She climbed up from the couch and retreated to the kitchen to get a glass of water._

 _Jane was hot on her heels, "Dana! Please tell me you reported it!"_

 _Dana knew her silence spoke volumes. She took a glass from the cupboard above the sink and turned the tap on. She swallowed several mouthfuls of water before turning to face an angry detective. "No."_

 _Jane's face crumpled and her entire being deflated. So much lost evidence. She was so mad at Dana for not reporting the rape and yet in the same breath she just wanted to protect the woman from the world. She forced down her disappointment and held out her arms. She wrapped them tightly around her girlfriend when she stepped into them. She kissed the top of her head and said, "Are you okay? I mean… I just… I'm sorry I wasn't there."_

 _"_ _There's nothing you could have done…"_

 _"_ _I could have shot the bastard!" Jane retorted, dead serious._

 _Dana leaned back slightly so that she could look at Jane's face and if the situation hadn't been so emotionally charged she may have laughed at the way the detective's features seemed to be warring between steely anger and genuine concern. Her thoughts sobered when she remembered why they were having this conversation. Her rapist had gotten her pregnant._

 _"_ _I want to keep the baby Jane."_

* * *

Haunted by her dreams Jane rolled over to see the alarm clock indicating it was three in the morning. She dropped back onto her back and stared at the ceiling. _I want to keep the baby._ Everything changed in that moment. That was the point of no return; Dana had needed her then more than anyone else could have and she made sure she was there for her.

Jane rolled onto her other side and wrapped her arms around her sleeping wife. Dana was blissfully unaware of Jane's indiscretion. Jane had been unable to bring herself to tell the truth. Her mind had been wrestling with it all night when she wasn't being haunted by dreams of her past.

Then there were the stray thoughts of Maura. She wondered if the doctor would really go somewhere warm. She wondered if her friend's heart ached as much as her own did. She wondered what Maura considered the point of no return for them? When did being with one another become something that just couldn't happen? Was it Dana's pregnancy? Was it the engagement? Hell, had it been her shooting Doyle? She had truly thought that something might happen between them before that damn warehouse ruined everything.

Of course then there was what happened in the early evening. Jane sighed and tried to force the thoughts of making love to Maura far from her mind, because that would never happen again. Instinctively her arms wrapped tighter around her wife, which disturbed her sleep. Jane pressed a kiss to the back of her head and mumbled, "Go back to sleep babe."

Dana rolled over and pressed a soft kiss to Jane's lips. "You okay Honey? You've been tossing and turning more than usual tonight."

"Just got some things on my mind. Nothin' to worry about." Jane really didn't want to talk about what was going on in her head, and she knew that Dana was likely to probe further. It was just her natural curious nature.

So she did the one thing she knew would distract her wife. She kissed her back, but instead of settling for a soft peck like Dana had, she sought entrance with her tongue and was swiftly granted. She allowed her hand to glide down her wife's side and when they finally pulled apart for oxygen she rolled them over so that she had the upper hand. She slipped her thigh between her wife's legs and smiled seductively, "God you're gorgeous."

Dana chuckled, well and truly awake now and very much aware of what Jane was doing, but she would make the most of the situation. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing Jane…. I just don't care right now. C'mere." She put her arms around Jane's neck and pulled her in for an intense kiss. They had three hours before Jason would wake and she intended to make the most of them.


	4. Chapter 4

Before Jane entered her life in a whirlwind of unruly curls and sarcasm, Maura would never have had the strength to walk away from love. She realised it was the intensity of that love – the strength of it, that enabled her to do what she thought was best for Jane. It was a terrible predicament, having allowed herself to fall prey to an upheaval of emotions that resulted in the ultimate dropping of her guard.

 _"_ _There you are," Jane said softly as she plopped down on the grass next to Maura._

 _She smiled weakly in return, but didn't look up because she didn't want Jane to see her tears. "Here I am," she agreed._

 _They sat side by side in her back garden, which was fairly secluded by the tall boundary fences. Silence ensued for several minutes until Jane gave her a friendly shoulder bump before wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in for a hug. "You miss him."_

 _"_ _I miss his warmth and compassion." Maura said as her mind drifted to memories of her time with Tyson Walters. "I felt safe with him," she admitted softly._

 _Jane pressed a comforting kiss into the honey blonde locks of her best friend. "I know. He was the only guy I trusted with you."_

 _Maura tilted her head up just to be sure she heard correctly and as she suspected Jane's face said it all. Tyson was the one man that the detective deemed worthy of her affections. She averted her eyes back down and sighed sadly. "We would have been married today."_

 _Jane gripped her friend a little tighter at that admission. She had known Tyson intended to propose as he had been quite chivalrous about his intentions, so far as to ask Jane for her blessing. His reasoning had been that there had only been one person in Maura's life before him that had protected her interests so earnestly and it was that person he wanted to prove his worthiness. She had naturally given her blessing, even if the thought had caused her heart to clench. Maura deserved every happiness and he was willing to provide it when she couldn't._

 _"_ _I never realised he had proposed." This was the first time Maura had acknowledged that her relationship with Tyson had in fact moved to the next level and it churned her guts violently, "I'm sorry… I should have done more…"_

 _Maura shifted away from Jane and climbed to her feet, holding out a hand she said, "Come inside." She didn't want to think about what had happened anymore than she already had. It was too painful and the last thing she wanted was for Jane to be feeling guilty._

 _Jane took the hand offered and pulled herself up with the help of her friend. She followed her inside and took up position on a stool at the kitchen island. She watched Maura go through the painstaking process of getting the coffee machine working in relative silence. She recognised a need for routine in her friend and as such just waited patiently for the delicious beverage she knew was being prepared for her._

 _They sat in silence while they consumed their hot drinks, before Maura couldn't take it any more and said what she knew Jane needed to hear. "It wasn't your fault. It was a random event with horrid consequences and the fact you were there could have only made things worse if you had died too."_

 _"_ _Maura…"_

 _"_ _What could you have done differently? I mean really Jane, you may think you could have done something more, but the facts as you reported them to me that day were his actions were heroic." Maura paused to move around the island and sit down next to Jane. "He made a split second decision, which saved your life and the lives of others. You have a family Jane; they would have been devastated to have lost you."_

 _The words she left unspoken were those that indicated the level of devastation she would have felt if she had lost Jane. Losing Tyson was horrific enough, she loved him, he was a wonderful caring man; but he wasn't Jane. Nobody could ever replace Jane in her life and losing her would, she surmised, be her own end._

 _Jane didn't need to hear the words to know what went unsaid. For years they had been hovering close to the line of being more than friends, but life had hit them hard. Her decision to marry Dana had been the final nail in their coffin, but it hadn't stopped her from loving Maura anyway. It was something she had spent years trying to let go, because Maura had indeed found her own happiness with Tyson and she most certainly couldn't cheat on her family with her best friend. The problem was the more life threw at them the more she longed to bring her friend comfort and love._

 _She shook her head and played with her now empty mug, keeping her eyes down. The fact was being in the same bank as Tyson at the time of an armed robbery and not being the one to save the day caused her immense grief. It wasn't that she wanted to be the one to save the day, but that the resulting effort from Tyson cost him his life and Maura a future she deserved. "But I was there, I shoulda been the one to… it shoulda been me."_

 _Maura reached across the island and placed her hand over the mug to still the detective's fidgeting. Her fingers grazed over the detective's and they both paused for a moment at the touch before she caught Jane's eye and said, "Don't you dare Jane. My heart hurts enough as it is without having to have endured losing you."_

 _"_ _But I didn't protect you in there. By not saving Tyson I failed you." Jane said quietly, admitting something to the doctor she had never previously revealed, although she knew Maura would have suspected she felt that way. "I can't seem to protect those I love."_

 _Maura pushed the mug aside completely and gripped Jane's hand. She knew that this was a vulnerability that ran deeper than just that awful day in the bank. This was about Dana and Frost too. "Stop blaming yourself over situations you couldn't change. You weren't with Dana when…"_

 _"_ _Don't, please." Jane begged, hating to relive the thoughts of Dana's rape. A rape she had not been privy to until two months after the event. Just another example of a person in her life she had let down. "I shoulda been with her that night."_

 _"_ _But you weren't." Maura said calmly, "Instead of allowing yourself to wallow in self pity at the time you stepped up and made sure she received the help she needed and you supported her through a very difficult emotional time. You ensured she had a refuge, a safe place to be for her and her son… your son."_

 _Jane patted Maura's hand with her free hand before removing both hands from the warm touch that felt a little too good. Everything Maura said was true, and she knew it, but she realised that she was always going to feel bad about not stopping that rape, because it put into motion a course of events that led them to this place. A place where she was married with a child and Maura was mourning the death of her fiancé. If she had stopped that rape… well there was no point thinking about how things may have been different. What was done was done and she couldn't change that._

 _She looked up at Maura who was studying her intensely and asked, "How do I make it better for you?"_

 _"_ _Just by being you, Jane."_

 _The detective shot a questioning look at the doctor, a little unsure how being her usual stubborn sarcastic, oft times insensitive self helped anyone._

 _"_ _You always know when I need you. Like right now. I didn't need to call you and tell you I was having a difficult time because you were just here."_

 _"_ _I'll always be here for you Maura."_

 _"_ _I know."_

 _Suddenly overwhelmed with intense emotion Jane rose from her stool and started pacing. Her life was a complete mess. She had everything she could dream of, a loving wife and child, an amazing best friend and a job she loved but she just wasn't happy. Not with the status quo. Her heart thumped erratically in her chest as the thoughts in her mind became more and more one tracked. Finally she found her voice, "Maura… I… I have to go."_

 _Maura's heart lurched in her chest. She hated being selfish, it was the last thing she wanted to be, but she needed Jane. She had been so alone in the year since Tyson died, and the only time the feeling eased off was when she was with Jane. "Please stay."_

 _Jane ran a nervous hand through her hair and looked over at Maura who seemed so sad in that moment. A sad puppy had nothing on the look thrown her way and it was quickly melting her resolve. She longed to make Maura feel better, to feel loved. She swallowed thickly, "It's not that simple… I want to… but…"_

 _"_ _But what? Maura asked curiously, taking several steps towards where Jane had ceased pacing._

 _She was close enough to touch and in that moment everything inside of Jane snapped. There was no resolve, no guilt, no fear, just an insatiable desire to make a declaration of her true feelings. "But, so help me God…" She stepped into Maura and with one strong hand in the small of her back she pulled the doctor towards her while the other hand delicately placed beneath the doctor's chin directed her head to an acceptable angle. She then met Maura's mouth with a searing kiss. When she stepped back mere moments later she finished her sentence, "that."_

 _"_ _Oh." Maura stared wide eyed at Jane; she hadn't seen that coming. She had believed that they were long past that ever being an option. Her own values had ensured it was never an option once Jane had become involved with Dana._

 _"_ _Yeah," Jane became rather self conscious in that moment; she chose to find a point just past Maura to look at while she jammed her hands in her jean pockets._

 _"_ _I didn't realise…" Maura started to say before trailing off, unsure on how to finish the sentence. She could see her best friend was radiating vulnerability over her actions, which was quite unusual.._

 _Jane refocused on hazel orbs and shrugged, trying to play off her bold move if it was not what Maura wanted. "I never said anything because I just didn't think you trusted me anymore."_

 _Maura's brow furrowed in confusion until the meaning dawned on her. "That long?"_

 _"_ _Yeah," she swallowed nervously before looking down again and mumbling, "It's always been you."_

 _Maura was stunned to say the least and she was unsure on how to respond. She couldn't really do what she wanted to do because Jane was married. It didn't matter that life was short. Jane had a wife and child to consider. She didn't register at first Jane's mumbled admission, or the fact the detective was making a hasty retreat._

 _That soon changed however as the weight of Jane's admission struck her. She called out, "Jane, wait."_

 _Jane turned reluctantly only to find herself having to catch Maura as she leapt into her arms. She clutched gainfully at the blonde and shifted her on her hips and met the fiery kiss with an unbridled passion of her own. She stumbled forward and pressed Maura up against the hall wall. When they took a moment to gasp in some much needed air she managed a quick, "Are you sure?"_

 _Maura answered the question with a kiss before pulling back and looking into dilated pupils, "Nobody has ever loved me like you do Jane Rizzoli."_

 _As she carried Maura forward towards the stairs and her ultimate goal of the bedroom she placed numerous kisses against the doctor's neck before finding a pulse point and latching on. Finally she pulled away as she fumbled to get the door open while carrying the blonde. She finally got them through the door, all the while her own neck was being accosted by the doctor. She placed her down on the bed and crawled predatorily above her. Looking down at the wanton look in Maura's eyes she said, "And nobody ever will."_

Maura shook herself out of her daydream and double checked she had everything she needed before she set off from her hotel room to meet up with her biological mother Doctor Hope Martin. She may have had to leave Jane behind, but she wasn't going to waste her life. No matter the heartache she would find a way to carry on and her first goal was to give back to the community by taking up a position working with her mother.

Stepping outside into the light London drizzle she pulled her coat tightly around her body before hailing a taxi cab. It was time to start her new life.

* * *

 **A/N: I do believe someone was longing for some rizzles fluff... I guess this flashback will have to do for now. Thanks again to all who read and review. Reviews really keep me going and motivated so thank you.**


	5. Chapter 5

It wasn't until a week later that Jane realised there was one more person that would wind up hurting because of Maura's absence. It was early on a Sunday morning following a rough night where sleep was hard to come by, so much so that she had brought herself out to the couch so that Dana's sleep wouldn't be disturbed, that the forgotten person in all of the drama revealed themselves.

Jason bundled down the stairs so loudly he was reminiscent of a herd of elephants stampeding across the Savannah. "Mama," he called out excitedly as he careened around the edge of the couch and came to a sudden halt in front of Jane. He smiled a big toothy grin and said, "C'mon Mama, you gotta get ready for Aunt Maura!"

The realisation hit her like a tonne of bricks. She and Maura were meant to take Jason to a science exhibition at BCU. He had been counting down to this day all month and now she could sense his apprehension. She wasn't usually the sort to be sleeping in on a morning they had plans with Aunt Maura. She sighed and swung her legs off the couch to take up a sitting position. "Hey buddy," she patted the couch next to her. "We need to talk."

Quite the astute child he quickly realised what the pained look on his mother's face meant. His shoulders dropped as he climbed on to the couch and sat next to her. "Aunt Maura's not coming?"

"'Fraid not buddy, but I'll still take you."

His face fell even further and he huffed his disappointment. "But you suck at science!"

"Jason Matthias Rizzoli! _Suck_ is not a word that belongs in your vocabulary in that context, you got it kid?" Jane said sternly, despite understanding that he was spot on. She and Dana had often joked that if they hadn't known any better they would have thought Jason was Maura's child, with how nerdy and scientific he was. Of course Maura had scolded her about using the term nerd and she had as such been on her best behaviour around her son. Maura had always been happy to help nurture his scientific side. How on earth did she explain to her son that Aunt Maura wasn't going to be around anymore?

"Why you crying Mama?" He had bristled briefly at his scolding but had noticed that almost instantly Jane's thoughts had drifted and then the tears had fallen. He reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek before planting a sloppy kiss in the same spot.

It was the affection he showed that reminded her how Jason was very much Dana's son. She was the more affectionate person in the relationship and she had definitely passed that trait down to their son. Another thing they had long ago agreed upon was that they would never lie to their son. If he asked a question they would answer as honestly as possible and she only had one honest answer to his question. "Because I'm sad kiddo."

"Why?"

"Because Aunt Maura's gone."

"Where did she go?" He asked so innocently, blissfully unaware of the complications of adulthood.

"I dunno Jase, I dunno." She realised that she really didn't want to go anywhere. She missed Maura too damn much.

Jason watched his mother for several moments, tilting his head in thought, before clambering down from the couch and disappearing down the hall.

Jane sighed and dragged herself off the couch, she picked up the blanket she had used and folded it. She then returned the blanket and pillow to the hall cupboard. It was still relatively early so she decided to pop her head into the master bedroom to see whether Dana was up yet. Sunday's were usually her one sleep in day with Jane taking charge of looking after Jason, unless of course she was called in on a case. As she suspected her wife was still sound asleep, as such she closed the door quietly and trundled back down the hall towards the stairs.

As she passed Jason's room she heard him talking, which piqued her curiosity as he wasn't a child that normally talked to himself. She nudged open the door and listened, her heart almost leaping out of her chest when she realised exactly what was going on.

Jason had her cell phone and he was talking, "You need to come back. Mama is sad. She misses you."

Jane stared at her son, who apparently was on the phone with Maura. She had fought the urge to phone her friend all week, giving in just the once but being diverted straight to voice mail. Jason had called from her phone… did that mean Maura was open to talking after all?

Before she could formulate actual words Jason turned and smiled when he saw her. He handed Jane the phone and said, "I found Aunt Maura!"

"I see that," she said as enthusiastically as she could muster before taking the phone and slipping out of the room. She lifted the phone to her ear and said, "Maur?"

"Hello Jane."

Just the sound of the sweet voice sent shockwaves through her system causing some unsteadiness. She sat down on one of the steps half way down the stairs. "I… You… I mean, you picked up?"

"We were supposed to take Jason to the science exhibition at BCU. I suspected this call was about the fact I wouldn't be taking him. I didn't want you to have to handle that on your own." Maura said matter-of-factly, managing to keep all emotion out of her voice, despite the fact hearing Jane again only served to remind her precisely whom she had walked away from.

"Oh, right." Jane fell emotionally flat at the explanation. She knew she shouldn't care, because they needed a clean break, but she couldn't help it. Pushing Maura out of her thoughts was nigh on impossible.

After several moments of silence they both spoke at the same time. "I miss you." "I should go."

Jane bit her fist to fight back the sob that wanted to escape. After a moment when the emotion had been choked back down she said, "Okay. Stay safe."

"You too. Goodbye Jane."

Once the call had disconnected Jane sat staring at her phone for several minutes. Her heart felt heavy and she lamented her situation before another wave of guilt struck her. She was being selfish. She had to let go of Maura and move on with her life, with the family that needed her. The only problem was, was that it just wasn't that simple. Maura Isles had invaded every cell of her body and there was just no shaking her loose.

* * *

In London, Maura ended the call and looked over at Hope, the heartbreak written clearly on her face.

"Oh my Darling," Hope was across the room in a heartbeat, sitting down next to her daughter and pulling her into a hug. She recognised how hard that conversation would have been for her daughter. She knew what it was like to hear the voice of the love of your life for mere moments, knowing all to well you could never be together.

After accepting the comfort of the hug for a brief moment Maura politely shrugged out of it, never one to be overly comfortable with physicality unless it was with Jane. She dabbed at the tears that had pooled at the corner of her eyes with a handkerchief and offered up a weak smile to her biological mother. "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"It may not seem like it, but it will get easier." Hope offered; her own first hand experience with Paddy Doyle at the forefront of her mind. Seeing the doubt clearly painted across her daughter's face caused her to add, "You have done the right thing Maura. These matters of the heart never tend to end well."

Maura had to agree, after all that line of thinking had been part of what drove her decision. She didn't want to become Jane's mistress, she couldn't do that to Dana, Jane or herself and it just didn't seem likely Jane would have been able to leave her family behind. Nor did Maura feel like she could really ask that of the woman she loved. It was just saddening that staying was out of the question. Staying would have resulted in more cheating, and eventual tears, as far as she could hypothesize.

Of course the stark reality was that leaving didn't exactly make things any better. She spent her lonely nights in her London Hotel room pining for the strong arms of Jane. She spent countless hours fighting the urge to call her and had found it difficult to decline Jane's only call attempt, prior to the one just before. The rest of the time was spent fighting the urge to book the next flight from Heathrow to Logan International Airport.

There was also a small part of her that wondered if giving up on Jane was the right thing to do. Love was such a fleeting event, and to find a love that she knew to be so genuine and just let it go… was that a mistake?

Maura sighed and voiced her concerns. "Logically I agree with you Hope, but have I made a mistake in not fighting for her? Have I underestimated her love for me by not giving her a genuine choice in the matter?"

"Perhaps," Hope mused thoughtfully, "If there weren't a child in the equation, a child that we both know Jane loves more than anything, I would be inclined to agree with you. However, as a mother myself I can tell you that I would do anything for my children. If she believes the best thing for Jason is to stay with Dana, then I believe no matter how much she loves you, she will choose the child."

Another fact Maura couldn't argue with, given that she too loved Jason as if he were her own. She had been fortunate that Dana embraced having her in her son's life, no doubt because it had meant so much to Jane. In some ways it was almost as if they were all his parents, but in the end she was the one without any rights. Jane had adopted Jason as son as she was legally able to after his birth, to be sure that she had rights should anything ever happen to Dana.

Internally Maura chided herself for giving in to her desire for Jane, because she had lost so much. Just hearing Jason's voice was enough to bring her to tears, never mind when she heard Jane's. She made a mental note to ensure that she remembered birthdays and Christmas for Jason. She may not be physically in his life anymore, but she could maintain a connection.

With a heavy heart Maura nodded in agreement. "You're right. As much as this hurts, it needed to be done."

* * *

 **A/N: I would like to thank those that have been reading and reviewing, especially given the review system has been broken for what feels like forever.**

 **I received a guest review on my story I Will Never Be The Same, asking if I had abandoned that. I haven't abandoned any of my stories, I have simply been battling motivation and inspiration. My goal is ALWAYS to finish what I started. It's just sometimes I need to detour through entirely different stories, just to keep writing.**


	6. Chapter 6

_Maura could tell from the dark cloud that had been following Jane all day that something was wrong. Their day had started early and while normally she would consider the early call out a contributing factor, her friend had been even more sullen than usual, so far as to not participate in the typical banter that accompanied most call outs. There had been no playful teasing about her refusal to make any assumptions regarding cause of death. There hadn't even been a raised eyebrow at the deep red dress and heels she had rocked up in (she had barely arrived home from a function when the call out had occurred)._

 _She didn't like for Jane to suffer alone, as the detective would often choose to do. It wasn't in the Italian's DNA to let anyone in on her concerns, but this attitude wasn't always healthy as far as the doctor was concerned. Because of this she decided that she would invite Jane over for dinner that night. The surprise had been how easily Jane had accepted; as such Maura found herself putting the last touches of a light meal together while awaiting her friend's arrival._

 _With impeccable timing, Jane walked in several minutes later when the dining table had been set. She strolled right over to the fridge and pulled out a beer before offering a half smile and a sound that bordered on a grunt in thanks. She chugged down half the bottle before placing it on the dining table and returning to carry Maura's glass of wine to the table._

 _Maura would have considered Jane's behaviour rather rude if not for the fact that she was aware something serious was troubling the detective. With a heavy sigh she carried their meals to the table and sat them down, one at her place setting and the other in front of Jane, who had sat down._

 _She took her place opposite the detective and took a moment to observe, while sipping from her glass of wine. If she hadn't already been sure something was wrong, the lack of sarcastic comment about the salmon and salad dinner would have set alarm bells ringing. Maura placed her wine back on the table and picked up her cutlery, "No complaints about the meal?"_

 _"_ _Nah, it's fine Maur. Thanks." Jane responded, so lost in her thoughts she had not paid any attention to what she was putting in her mouth. She ate on automatic while she battled with the thoughts in her mind. She really needed to tell Maura what was going on, because she needed to tell someone and the only person she trusted was Maura, but Dana had made her swear she wouldn't tell anyone._

 _"_ _A dollar for your thoughts?"_

 _Jane's eyes jerked up at her friend then. She couldn't help but smirk a little, for what felt like the first time all day. It was refreshing. "Penny, Maura. It's a penny for your thoughts."_

 _"_ _Oh I know that, I just took into consideration inflation and…"_

 _Jane shook her head and looked down at her plate, where for the first time the fact the food was incredibly healthy registered. "Ew fish, really?"_

 _"_ _Salmon is very good for you Jane. It contains important amino acids, vitamins B12 and D, not to mention Omega 3 fatty acids. It's a very heart healthy dietary option." Maura managed to shorten what might normally be a long lesson in the benefits of eating the fish product. "Besides, I really didn't think you would care much tonight."_

 _Jane stopped eyeballing the cloudy pink flesh on her plate and looked up at her friend. A defeated sigh escaped her lips, "I know, I haven't been in the best of moods."_

 _"_ _Do you want to talk about it?" Maura asked._

 _"_ _I want to, heck I think I need to… but I don't think I can."_

 _"_ _Why not?"_

 _"_ _I was sworn to secrecy." Jane offered up as way of explanation, still debating internally if telling Maura counted. She figured that Dana must know that she would end up telling Maura. She told Maura everything, well if not everything close to it. She put her cutlery down and pushed back from the dining table, her appetite having disappeared._

 _Maura was concerned, she couldn't recall a time Jane had been unable to eat and that included times she would reluctantly eat something with Kale or Quinoa. "I'm worried about you Jane."_

 _Jane met the searching gaze of her best friend and offered a half smile. "I'm okay, I'm just… processing."_

 _"_ _I don't want to encourage you to break a confidence, but you know I am more than capable of keeping your confidence. Perhaps I can help?"_

 _While she wasn't sure about breaking Dana's trust regarding the rape and pregnancy, Jane knew there was one thing she had to discuss with Maura. Something she more than knew Maura could help with if she wanted to. "Well there is something I have been meaning to talk to you about."_

 _"_ _Yes?"_

 _"_ _I uh… aww hell it'll probably just be easier to show you. Wait here…" Jane jumped up from her seat and disappeared into the foyer and out the front door, returning a couple of minutes later. On her return she set a ring box on the table in front of Maura. She opened it to show her friend the simple, but elegant ring she had spent an entire weekend mulling over. "I'm going to ask Dana to marry me."_

* * *

It wasn't the science exhibition, which was definitely a good thing in Jane's book. Instead she had taken Jason to see the Red Sox battle the Houston Astros. It was only his second game, and after the first time where he hadn't been as excited as she had hoped she wasn't sure how he would embrace it this time. She need not have worried as Jason had enjoyed the atmosphere thoroughly, and talked non stop on the walk back to the car and during the drive home about the Red Sox' victory.

"Upstairs and put your stuff away," Jane said as they walked in the front door. They had received a free Jason Varitek bobble head and Jason had been stoked that it was of his namesake.

"Yes Mama," Jason said, still riding a high from the days outing. He did as he was told and ran upstairs to place the bobble head on his book case.

Jane placed her keys in the bowl on the hall table and sauntered into the living room, where as she expected she found her mother and Dana. "Ma," she greeted tersely, still incredibly frustrated by her mother's inability to stay out of her business.

Angela rose from the couch and looked between Dana and Jane before shuffling her way towards the hall. "I'll go and get my beautiful grandbaby all packed up."

Jane's eyes flashed with confusion. "Huh?"

"I asked Angela if she could watch Jason tonight and drop him at school in the morning." Dana explained casually. She needed to talk to her wife and didn't want their son around in case things were to become heated.

"Alright then," Jane said, a little unsure as to why Dana had sprung this on her without talking with her first, although she had a sneaking suspicion it had to do with Maura's seemingly random disappearance. They had yet to talk about it and while she had hoped that Dana was content to leave things be, she knew that had been wishful thinking.

Sensing the tension radiating from Jane, Dana decided to keep things casual while they waited for Angela to finish sorting Jason out for his overnight stay. "Jason sounded pretty happy about the game."

"Yeah, Sox won and we were there early enough to get a Varitek bobble head, which is now apparently his new prized possession." Jane elaborated, taking a seat on the couch where her mother had previously been sitting.

Dana chuckled at the slight pout on her wife's face, "You're just jealous you didn't get to keep it."

Jane smiled at the friendly ribbing and offered a nonchalant shrug of the shoulders. "Would have looked good on my desk at work."

"It would last all of fifteen minutes before someone in Homicide broke it or hid it from you. I think it's best we let Jason keep this one."

"No kidding right. My money'd be on Frankie breaking it within two minutes of noticing it." Jane agreed with her wife's assessment of the situation given the propensity her brother had shown to clumsiness with curios.

Several moments later Angela followed an enthusiastic Jason down the stairs; he always enjoyed time with his Nona. She stuck her head through the doorway, "Alright girls, we're off. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Her laughter disappeared down the hall and out the door; she never did see the eye roll Jane gave in response.

"So…" Jane started, not really sure where they would be going with this time alone. "Should we do some things she wouldn't do?" Her attempt at humour fell flat because her heart wasn't really in it, not when there was a giant elephant in the room, in the form of the secret she was keeping.

"I don't know," Dana said seriously, "That all depends on what the hell happened between you and Maura that would cause your best friend to just up and leave!"

Jane had two choices; flat out lie or come clean. So far her sin was of omission, although a week having passed would only make the situation seem uglier than it needed to me. She groaned internally at her feeble attempts to lessen the damage of her actions. It didn't really matter if she came clean last week or tonight, either way her actions were ugly. The situation _was_ ugly. She had quite literally become the one thing she never thought she would and a brief thought of her father flashed through her mind.

It was that thought that caused her to stop sifting through her actions and to speak up. She was better than him because while she had made a terrible mistake, she wasn't going to run from it and she most certainly wasn't going to abandon her family. She just hoped they wouldn't abandon her. "I don't think you wanna know the answer to that Dana, but I'm not gonna lie to you."

The terrible feeling that had been slowly growing in her gut throughout the week increased exponentially. There was an ominous feeling floating around her wife's words. Dana looked away for a moment, steeling her nerves, before looking back across the room at Jane and asking, "Did you sleep with her?"

Despite the level of truth in the accusation, it still gutted Jane. If she hadn't been sitting she would have needed to sit down with the agony she felt. She winced at the words and fought the urge to look away, "Yeah. Dana, honey, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't!" Dana interrupted coldly. Her heart hurt immensely and the ache permeated throughout her entire body. It was one thing to suspect and to want to know, it was, she realised, an entirely different beast when the fear was confirmed. "I never thought you capable…" Her utterance trailed out as the betrayal sent shockwaves of anger pulsating throughout her body.

Jane hung her head, guilty as charged. She couldn't blame Dana at all, she herself didn't think her self capable, but she had and now she had hurt someone she loved. She looked up and across the room towards where Dana was sitting, head turned away. Jane knew she had to fix it, but she didn't know how, but she was damned if she was going to let Maura's sacrifice be wasted. Not really knowing what to say she said the God's honest truth, "I never thought I was either."

"I always knew she had feelings for you," Dana's voice was distant, barely audible, but there nonetheless. Her face was clouded over as the realisation of all she knew tumbled from her lips. "But I trusted her, because I could see how much she loved you and yet she always acted with nothing but respect towards me and our relationship."

Jane shifted uncomfortably in her seat, wanting to leap to Maura's defence, but recognising that now was not to the time to interrupt her wife, who had now turned to face her as she continued speaking.

"So now I am left wondering if I was wrong about that or if you are truly capable of such a selfish act..."

"Dana, please…"

"No Jane. You don't get to speak right now." It was taking everything within to prevent Dana from leaping out of the armchair and launching herself across the room at Jane. Her anger was pulsating through every pore, and yet she maintained a steady calm voice as she continued. "Maura is too damn considerate to go out of her way to seduce you Jane…. Not with so many people that could be hurt. It was you, wasn't it? You initiated it… you selfish…"

"Just stop." Jane growled, "This isn't helping anyone."

"Clearly isn't helping Maura, since she felt she needed to leave the city to get away from this." Dana snapped sarcastically, "You really are a selfish coward Jane Rizzoli. You couldn't even commit to your adultery!"

Jane shook her head. She refused to be baited into an emotionally fuelled argument. She understood Dana was hurt and it wouldn't do her chances any good to capitulate into the fight her wife was angling for. "I hurt you, I'm sorry."

"Just get out." Dana said, finally standing and pointing in the direction of the door. "Just leave Jane. Clearly you are done with me."

"Dana, it's not like that." Jane said standing and taking a tentative step towards her wife. "I fucked up, ok? I fucked up and it's cost me my best friend and I am hoping to God I can salvage this. I do love you Dana…"

"Just not as much as you love her, right?" Dana retorted bitterly. "It's really sad Jane, that I don't even have to ask you _do you love her_ when the answer has been so obviously painted on your face all week. She's gone and you look like someone kicked your puppy."

"She's my best friend!" Jane snapped angrily, "Of course I am upset. I fucked everything up in a moment of Goddamned weakness and I know you're sure as hell not gonna let me forget it, are you?"

Blue eyes glowered angrily, "And why should I?"

Jane backed away with her hands up in defeat. "You know what? Just forget it. I'm not doing this with you. I'm going to take your advice and go. You need some space to think. I'll crash at Frankie's."

"Yeah, you do that." Dana spat bitterly, knowing all too well that the wind had died and her sails were left flat. Jane was leaving her with her thoughts and it scared the hell out of her. She followed her wife to the door with one final question, "Do you even want to be forgiven?"

Jane turned and looked her wife in the eyes, "Yeah, I do."

* * *

 **A/N: Hey folks, sorry for the delay, started a new job last week and it's sorta been kicking my butt. Anyways here's a new chapter, hope you enjoy.**


	7. Chapter 7

_"_ _Maura? Say something?" Jane begged._

 _Snapping out of her stupor brought on by the pure surprise of Jane Rizzoli announcing she wanted to get married… to someone… who wasn't her, Maura forced a smile before shrugging off Jane's questioning of her silence. "What is there to say?"_

 _A heavy weight settled at the pit of her stomach. She should have realised that this would be upsetting for Maura. She sighed and pulled out the dining chair next to her friend and sat down facing her. "Hey, you're still my best friend. You're so important to me Maur, and I just… I need you to be happy for me, ya know?"_

 _"_ _Of course I am happy for you." Maura answered all too quickly. She hurriedly set about standing up and clearing the table, she too had lost her appetite._

 _Jane helped clear the table in silence, all the while chewing the inside of her cheek while contemplating what to say next. "C'mon Maur, what's really goin' on in that big brain of yours?"_

 _Maura turned from the sink abruptly and looked up into the concerned features of her best friend. "Don't you think this is a little soon?"_

 _She had figured that question was coming and she couldn't really blame her friend for asking that. It was too soon, heck it was even the wrong person if she allowed her heart to be honest, but she did love Dana and she needed somewhere safe now more than ever. "I love her Maur… I just… I dunno maybe I should wait a little longer, but…"_

 _"_ _But what?" Maura asked, curiosity getting the better of her._

 _"_ _She's pregnant." Jane answered honestly, deciding in that moment that Maura had to know everything. She had to know her reasoning for her decision._

 _Maura raised a curious eyebrow, "Jane you're not exactly equipped…" her voice died down as her brain caught up with the implications and not being one to make assumptions she asked, "How?"_

 _Jane chuckled, "And you call yourself a doctor…"_

 _"_ _Jane that is not what I meant and you know it!" Maura was not amused._

 _The reality of the situation settled on her shoulders, "She was raped."_

 _"_ _Oh!"_

 _"_ _Yeah." She felt like someone had taken to hoeing into her gut with steel capped boots. Rehashing the conversation she'd had with her girlfriend in her mind only served to rekindle her original feelings. "She kept it from me, wasn't gonna tell me at all until she had to."_

 _"_ _It can't have been easy for her. How is she coping with it now?"_

 _Jane shrugged. "I dunno, all I know is she wants to keep the baby and I wanna be there for her Maur."_

 _Maura gently gripped Jane's forearm, "I know you do Jane and I would expect nothing less from you, but that doesn't mean you should rush into marriage."_

 _Despite knowing there was no malice intended Jane couldn't help but be defensive. She yanked her arm away and growled, "You just don't get it!"_

 _Maura stepped back in shock at the outburst, "Then please enlighten me."_

 _"_ _I shoulda been with her that night," Jane snarled, "But I stood her up, so I could have dinner with you!"_

 _Maura flinched a little at the implication. "Don't you dare…"_

 _"_ _I'm not, alright?" Jane interrupted angrily, "But I'm gonna ask her to marry me and if she says yes you'll just have to get used to it!"_

* * *

"Damnit," Jane muttered irritably as she sat up and rubbed at her eyes. Her back hurt, her heart ached and her brain, her damned brain decided that sleep was a crappy option. Dreaming about the night she told Maura she was going to marry Dana was not a dream she needed to be having, not when everything was so messed up.

Moonlight shining through the windows guided her way across the room over to the sink. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard above and filled it with water. She sipped at it distractedly, her brain a constant rerun of all the decisions she wished she could change.

After finishing the water she left the glass in the sink, she would worry about it in the morning. She padded back across the kitchen into the living area and adjusted the pillow and blanket her brother had thrown at her before leaving for the evening. Apparently he had a big date and she shouldn't wait up for him. Tucking herself under the blanket she curled up uncomfortably on her side and closed her eyes.

"Fuck it," she muttered under her breath. She sat up and eyed her brother's bedroom. After taking all of five seconds to debate the pros and cons, the desire to fall into a deep, hopefully dream free, sleep beckoned her all too temptingly.

She grabbed the pillow and blanket and carried them into his room. She was surprised to find that his bed was made, hospital corners and all. She had imagined he was as big a slob as she was when it came to bedroom cleanliness. Satisfied with her decision she collapsed onto the bed, content to sleep on top of his covers, using the spare blanket for warmth.

Despite the surprising comfort and support the bed provided, Jane just couldn't sleep. Her gut churned with guilt and desperation. She really needed to hear a friendly voice and despite not believing her chances of being answered were high, she figured she would at least try.

After slipping back into the living room to grab her phone from the coffee table she returned to the comfort of her brother's bed and the warmth of her blanket before taking a moment to stare at her phone. She had brought up Maura's contact details and despite the part of her brain that warned she wouldn't cope very well if her friend didn't pick up, she called anyway.

The phone rang out until it went to voice mail. "Damnit Maura," Jane muttered under her breath after ending the call. "Please just answer the phone." She pressed call again.

"Jane, is everything alright?" Maura's answer betrayed the sense of urgency felt. It was late in Boston, a little after two in the morning to be precise and Jane had not been on call overnight in two years. As such the timing of the call had caused her to pick up when Jane had called back almost instantly a second time.

Jane didn't know how to answer, partially still in shock that Maura had answered. She sighed and stumbled over what to say in her brain before finally uttering the most awkward, "Hi," she had managed in her life.

"Hello," Maura responded automatically. Her heart raced in her chest and she nibbled at her lip nervously while taking a seat on the edge of her bed.

Jane shifted so that she was sitting up with knees drawn into her chest and the blanket haphazardly strewn around her body. "Please don't hang up," she urged tentatively, her nerves clearly getting the better of her. It was a display of weakness that was out of character, even for her relationship with Maura, but she didn't have the energy or emotional fortitude to put on a stoic demeanour.

Jane's vulnerability wasn't lost on Maura. "I won't… well until I have to for the sake of driving to work."

A quick calculation of time implications and the sifting through her knowledge of Maura brought Jane to an elementary realisation. "So you're in London then?" She asked flatly.

While she could have just as easily been in Paris, she knew the detective was no fool. "Yes." She was torn between the desire to talk to Jane like nothing had ever happened and the aching feeling in her chest that reminded her she shouldn't be talking to Jane at all. "Why did you call?"

"I needed to hear your voice." Jane answered honestly before breaking the silence that greeted her in response. "I told Dana what happened."

"Why?" Maura asked quietly. She was unable to fight the tiny inkling of hope that threatened to bloom outwardly from her chest; perhaps Jane was strong enough to walk away from her family.

"Apparently I was walking around with a giant neon sign on my forehead that said _cheater_." Jane remarked humourlessly.

This was one of the few times Maura realised Jane was being hyperbolic rather than literal, but it still didn't really answer her question. "Jane," her tone of voice indicated her need for clarification.

Jane sighed heavily, her body beginning to revolt. She could feel the pangs of emotion gaining in speed in their attempts to break free. She felt the slight burning sensation of warm tears prickle her eyes. She coughed to clear the emotion choking up her throat before clarifying as asked. "I miss you so damn much Maur and I suck at hiding it. She confronted me about it and I couldn't lie. I wouldn't lie."

"Oh Jane," Maura's heart was breaking all over again. She couldn't begin to hypothesize the ramifications for Jane's marriage.

"I dunno what to do…" her voice broke as the tears hit violently and she broke into sobs. "I can't lose…"

"Sssh," Maura whispered soothingly, her goal to calm down the emotional detective first and foremost. "I'm right here Jane. Just breathe deeply and close your eyes for me. You need to sleep. The rest can wait."

Jane sucked in the air in an attempt to obey before sliding back down the bed and rolling over onto her side. The blanket was a tangled mess around her body but she didn't care. She closed her eyes and focused on the soft breathing and soothing whispers coming down the line. Part of her cried out for her to hang up and to stop showing her vulnerable side, but the part of her that needed her doctor won out.

"Just stay with me, Maur." She uttered groggily, the sleep that had been eluding her fast closing in.

"Always," Maura whispered in reply a short time later once she heard the detective's light snoring.

* * *

 **A/N: Yes I know it has been a while, and it might be a while again. I'm really sorry, but life has thrown all sorts at me recently. Death of a friend, flood evacuations, work... the binge watching of Pretty Little Liars. Just so much to keep me off centre. Anyways I hope this helps tide you guys over. I do appreciate each and every one of you.**


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